Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Pregnancy after Stillbirth.

After Zachary passed away, I was lost. At the end of a pregnancy you're meant to have a baby. A bit like a marathon, you'll receive your medal for finishing. Its frustrating, knowing I now have stretch marks, larger breasts, bundles of baby items, but no baby.
I began trying again, although it depended on my mood. One moment I was desperate to be pregnant, but 10 minutes later I sad I never wanted to be pregnant again. It only took 8 months and I was pregnant. I was ecstatic, then a day later I wanted an abortion. I was in shock, thinking that I could lose another baby and I didn't trust my body at all.

I'm now 21 weeks pregnant, 5 months pregnant. I have only 'announced' that I'm pregnant, I knew I wouldn't have a miscarriage, that's not what scares me anymore. That's natural. What happened to Zachary could have been avoided. I've had tonnes of people telling me that they'll keep an eye on me, and I have been getting a scan every 3 weeks, I'll be seeing my midwife weekly soon, etc, etc. But that thought never leaves me head. The same thought that means baby shopping doesn't happen, as I think 'what if I'm not getting my baby at the end of this'. Being optimistic isn't an option in this situation. Pregnancy holds terror for me, I want to think I'm finally getting a baby to take home, a baby will fill the clothes I've had in boxes for over a year, but I'm terrified of getting my hopes up, terrified of letting my shield down that means if something does happen I'll feel the same pain I've felt before.
Thankfully this baby is active, I get a daily notification that he's ok, I'm constantly checking for any kind of swelling in my feet, I've even asked for a urine protein test to take home. I've been sworn off buying my own Doppler, that will make my anxiety 100% worse. I'm having another boy, but thankfully a pregnancy that's different to his brother's. Cravings are different, my stomach is different, general symptoms are different. My body's want of telling me this isn't the same baby and hopefully not the same outcome.
Browsing prams and cots is a daily routine, but I'm trying to shut up the annoying little squeak telling me your baby isn't going to ever use them, you're wasting your time and money. Positive thinking is a constant war, and with every future pregnancy will never be 'normal', I'll have constant checks, extra scans, and the weight on my shoulders knowing I've got a 50% chance of having this pregnancy disease again.
I've considered adoption and surrogacy, as I want 2 children, an only child is a very lonely thing, but its the battle of knowing if I want that, I've got to go through another pregnancy after this one, but it all depends how this pregnancy goes. If PE doesn't reoccur I will be more likely to go through another pregnancy. It doesn't even matter if I do get PE again but the baby is fine, pregnancy will be off the future plan for good. I don't trust my body at all, this pregnancy has been such a massive stress, I've lost sleep, lost half a stone in weight and I'm not able to talk about pregnancy without it turning negative.

I have around 17 weeks left of this pregnancy, as long as I get my baby at the end of this, life will make more sense. Fingers crossed.

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